my soul aches

pathanapong — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 08:56:44 +0000

My fam don’t celebrate American holidays in the traditional sense like giving presents or eating a turkey. The most we’ll do is go out to eat somewhere. It’s always bittersweet for me around this time. Though most have time off, my mom still works two jobs on major holidays like Christmas. Context:

and lunch conversation

———————————–

my skin’s too thin
a river within
streams push pass
protected eyelids
in isolation

fierce warrior
her frail body deteriorates
at a rapid rate
surgery on each hand
in the past year
prescription bottles cover the bedside
calcium/vitamin supplements
pills for kidney problems

she laid the foundations for me to crawl
neva stopped strugglin sacrificin fightin so i can walk upright

sole reason i stopped considerin suicide as a teen

day before her bornday
the doctor reminds her
high cholesterol
high blood pressure
and now
there’s a chance of
a stroke

12/5/08

she’s my anchor. she grounds me. she’s the only person that holds this fuckin family together. if she’s gone…fuck man. and i feelin both extremes. i’m sad that she has to cope with yet another fuckin health problem. i’m pissed this is another bullshit she has to put up with. once i dropped by her work at a Thai restaurant, she was servin some white guys and one of those muhfuckas had the nerve to put his fuckin hands on my mom’s wrist. another time she asked me to write something for her, it turned out that her fuckin boss at Denny’s yelled at her and said some shady shit in front of everyone and someone told her to file a complaint. i drove her to the hospital so i found out about it right away. and on the way home, she’s not even thinkin about herself. she’s askin what i wanna eat, what food should she make. she just keeps pushin. and i just dwell on that shit. it was in my mind the whole day. even when i babysat my niece, who’s so precious and i cherish my times with her, i melt hearin her laughter, so genuine. and i’m slowly breakin inside. i was bout to call it a night until my friend from the Bay called askin what i’m doin on a Friday night. nuthin. i tell her whats up and she was just so coooo and supportive. makin me cry and shit. remindin me not to close up and that i got support. she knows me well. i hadn’t told anyone and i wasn’t plannin on tellin her anytime soon. i apologize i can’t express how much i appreciate her and that i don’t feel like talkin about it. so i’m writin this shit down for me. to remind me, yo don’t worry bout stupid shit. learn to be present and cherish each moment. be kind to yourself. be kind to yourself. be gentle to yourself. when shit got rough, i questioned everythin. my self worth. my abilities. my friends, who the fuck are my friends? i never doubted her love. she and my dog are the only ones makin this house liveable. she’s my absolute in an uncertain world. definition of unconditional love, giving w/out expecting anythin in return. and i don’t tell her anythin. i don’t want her to worry. she knows sumthin’s up but i don’t say shit. i don’t know where to begin.

if she dies, fuck all this poetry shit. gotta survive.
today is her birthday.
12/6/08 12:10AM

pathanapong » rants

my soul aches