nuclear family (w.i.p.)

i don’t go into detail
with friends why i don’t like UFC or violent movies
i say simply
it makes me uncomfortable
when i really mean
i don’t find enjoyment in people getting hurt

it’s 1992
we reunite as family
father mother three sons
alone in America
leaving relatives in Thailand
for a better life

i started school here in the 3rd grade
one morning
i decided i didn’t want to go to class
the chattering kept me up the previous night
as i slept in the living room
my dad took me home to the garage
punched and kicked me repeatedly
to the soundtrack of his loud cursing

some nights
i fall asleep to the sounds of my mom’s screams in agony
patriarchal fists smashed any sense of trust to maintain subservience
we never mentioned it

my brother grabbed a kitchen knife
threaten to stab my oldest brother
me, the youngest, pleaded with tears and please don’t
it happened more than once

a promise was made
to myself then
do not become like them
children of chaos and confused masculinity
all the men in my family had a temper
held it in
til they explode on loved ones

i’m not excluded
gettin into fights at school
attempts to prove
i am a fuckin man!
even before puberty