The Prayer

jam of the week: Kid Cudi – The Prayer

feelin it except for one line “unless you stab me…”

be.here.now.

it’s a beautiful day to be alive.

nuff said.

where i need to be

i had plans to move back to Oakland earlier this year, to work and perform poetry but mainly to grow and get away from unsafe situations.  i heard lotta advices from fam and friends.  i was rarely receptive of it, for several reasons that will be discussed at a different time.

my homie shared this w/ me recently, part of a High School graduation speech by comedian Patton Oswalt.  great read.  some highlights,

Telling me about the 5 Environments and urging me to travel?   That was advice.    It wasn’t a lesson.   Advice is everywhere in this world.   Your friends, family, teachers and strangers are all happy to give it.

A lesson is yours and yours alone.   Some of them take years to recognize and utilize.

My lesson was this – experience, and reward and glory are meaningless unless you’re open and present with the people you share them with in the moment.

Because now I understand how the miraculous, horrifying and memorable lurk everywhere.

word!  it hits me hard.  it’s nothing new since i wrote about something similar last year.  i just forgot.  it happens.

my homie tells me in our email exchanges that it sounds like troubling times for me from my writings.  and i haven’t wrote anything remotely positive or optimistic.  i’ve been restless and wantin to get away, not appreciative what’s in front of me.  i realize i’ve grown so much this past year. i’ve spent my formative years here but i’m just not attached to LA the way i am to Oakland and to a lesser extent NYC.

i’m lookin forward to explorin and lovin the city.  not simply live but thrive out here.  there is beauty everywhere.  it is here amidst the smog and pollution.  in taco trucks and boba joints.  in hidden places free from consumption.  endless possibilities.  it’s happening.  i got a plan and i’m manifesting it.  trust.  open up.  let love in.

lesser known 90s slow jams

one of the first songs i really liked when i came to America in 92 was Silk – Freak me.  i had no clue what the words meant.  it just sounded good to me at that time.  and from there, i got into R&B.  staying up late to watch BET’s “midnight love” that played only slow jam vids.  here are a few favs that aren’t as well known.

Sam Salter – There You Are

Jesse Powell – You

J’son – I’ll Never Stop Loving You

3rd Storee – If Ever

Goodfellaz – If You Walk Away (i bought the tape single for this!)

Damage – Forever

thank you, Jonathan

You Cry Because You’re Not A Nihilist… You Believe In Waking Up, You Believe That Tomorrow, How Scary It May Seem, Still Remains To Be Seen, And That Through That Observation, Your Story Might Make More Sense, Become Less Of A Struggle, In Some Strange Way Reduce Pain, By Means Of Understanding.

Your Pain… Or As Buddhists Refer… “suffering”, Is A Constant! You Are Not Here To End Your Pain, But OTHERS. Through The Healing Of Your Neighbor’s Heart, You Will Find “Way”.

Give Yourself To YOURSELF, And Find Peace Through Letting Go.

You Are A Gift Waiting To Be Received BY YOU!!!

Isolation — Loneliness

…is a species-wide Phenomena.

Writing Has Been Around Since 4500 Years Ago, ART In General Even Longer. How Long Have We Been Struggling With LOVE As A Concept And The Condition Of MALE/FEMALE, As The Ultimate Of All Riddles?

Only Through Expression Do We Find Solace, By Speaking “The Unspoken”, By Making Transparent To Others That Which We Find Opaque & Difficult To Explain. Share Your Life With Others. Tell Your Tears. Make Known What You Can Never Fully Know Yourself, And Someone You Love Will Benefit. Someone Whom You’ll Never Meet Will Thank You In Their Future. Calling Upon Your Spirit For Comfort. WE Are Only Part Of The Solution. And END…… We May, Thankfully, Never Have To See.

Be You, Everyday, And Move Towards Others Who Will Appreciate YOU For Being So. Find Refuge In Their Embrace, And Grow Strong Enough To Fulfill What Is To Become.

Remember… This Is No Longer Just Your Life. Not Anymore. Too Many People Are Connected To You, And It Is FOR THEM You Carry On.

The “Self” “Identity” “Flesh” “Color” “Religion”… ALL!!!!
Is Just A Self Appointed Dream. Feelings/Emotions Are the Only TRUE Things We Humans Can Never Overcome/Deny. So CRY!!!

If Life Tells You To CRY

DO IT!!!

Just Don’t Believe That That… Is A “BAD” Thing

And You Will Be OK.

Thao Nguyen

feel good music ya’ll.  peep her myspace. she’s comin to LA nxt month!!!

part 24

yesterday i turned 24.
if i had to sum up the theme of this past year in a few words, it’d be things fall apart.
i see firsthand of who i dont wanna be. there is a lot of grief and suffering in my fam. culture and masculinity can be imprisoning.
the silence kills me a little inside.
as difficult and painful it was, it’s part of the process of me becomin who i need to be.
who i’m born to be.
walking a different path gets difficult and tiring.
sometimes i’d rather be suppressin feelins and puttin up walls like in the past. that’s what the larger society would want. i see: be an angry Asian man or a nerdy one. i hear: “breaking down” as opposed to “breaking open”. “emo” has become part of regular vocab among young people under 30. i hate it. it’s a dismissive term that undermines the foundation of bein human, to feel. it’s not coo to be a grown ass man but to be one in perpetual adolescence. “30 is the new 20″. gotta front like we hard. all day.

why should we be surprised that many do not know how to love?

when all we know is how to fight. it seems.

in The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love bell hooks writes,

In dominator cultures most families are not safe places. Dysfunction, intimate terrorism, and violence make them breeding grounds for war. Since we have yet to end patriarchal culture, our struggles to end domination must begin where we live, in the communities we call home. It is there that we experience our power to create revolutions, to make life-transforming change. We already know that men do not have to remain wedded to patriarchy. Individual men have again and again staked a different claim, claiming their rights to life and love. They are beacons of hope embodying the truth that men can love.

pt. 24: things come together.
everythin is in place.
rebuild. reclaim. move sumthin.
to exclaim that we all deserve to live with dignity
while some call for more police
how bout givin people what they need
love of our people is what keeps me moving

to healthy living
and loving
as a young’n
an opening
more risks
more triumphant laughs
no more half-steppin
no regrets
yes

there is strength in sensitivity.

yes. i’m ready.

we’re all in this together

Ma had surgery twice in two months at the close of 07.  one for each hand.  no insurance so she goes to this hospital where ucla med students play doctor on poor people.  the first time went well.  but they fucked up the second time.  first they couldn’t find her vein and was pokin all over the place.  they didn’t do a good job w/ surgery neither, there’s a big ass bump on her hand, look all swollen and everythin.

she complains bout it but ends it w/ “at least they get to practice”.

she accepts it and keeps it movin.  fo real though, she’s the fiercest warrior i know.  the only thing she complains about is not being able to work and calculates the amount of money she’s not makin.  it’s crazy how she’s almost robotic in work ethics yet still able to show so much love.  unconditionally.

main reason she had to get surgery cuz her body’s deterioratin.  after 2 decades of carrying trays and shit, it caught up to her.  she broke her wrist a yr or two ago and still kept workin, thinkin it’s not a big deal and it’ll heal itself.  after 2 decades, America is not home for her.  she longs to retire in Thailand.

my cuz recently came from Thailand and lives w/ the fam now.  she’s a masseuse.  two hands ain’t enough to count the number of times she was expected to give sexual services.  she’s traumatized and disgusted by that shit.

hearing shit like “you’re a Thai girl, that’s what you do”.

and this is comin from men in every color.  she once told me that life’s too hard sometimes and she wouldn’t wanna live pass 50.  she turns 29 this yr.

a loved one once told me when she was visitin Thailand, a white guy groped her cuz he thinks he’s entitled to it.

in typical male fashion, my immediate reaction to all these stories is anger.  it’s a vicious cycle.  Sonia Sanchez said it best,

“what i have stumbled on in this country is a battle for us all to be human”.

it’s a fuckin battle to be human ya’ll.  all these isms (capitalism, sexism, etc), all interconnect in a giant fucked up web that serve to deprive our humanity, the way we perceive ourselves and others.  which is why some men claimin they’re down for the revolution but don’t ever question their own sexist/homophobic tendencies.  which is why some women believe sex can be power when they’re simply adopting the oppressive status quo values.  again, vicious cycle.

a loved one came to the realization that he’s never gonna go to a strip club. apparently the pool hall was next to a strip club (it was a sketchy area…). women who worked nxt door would come in and hang out at the bar in the pool hall.

at one point an older guy asked a young lady, “so are you happy with your life?”
she said, “yea…i am”.
she inhales her cig then turned her head towards the direction where my friend was.
they stared at each other for a brief moment.
according to him, they both shared a sad look in their eyes. from that brief moment, he saw her humanity.

as men we’re conditioned to be one dimension cartoon characters: drink/fight/fuck/consume/conquer-repeat.  it bleeds into every aspect of our lives, even our language is oppressive (?: how many people actually question the meaning behind the B word).  but we are human first and foremost.  and in this context, part of being human is reppin yo culture.  again from Sonia,

“when you begin a journey of identity for liberation, you find yourself and others who have been vanished too or who have hidden their eyes from themselves”.

we are essentially the same yet our differences make us beautiful.  and we are born ready.  it’s just modern society is set up to profit from our misery and suffering.  this shit’s set up to divide us, to blind us from seein that everythin is connected and everythin affects us.  everythin affects us.  iraq war ain’t endin anytime soon cuz muhfuckas makin too much bank to let it end.  US dollar is weak.  economy’s fucked.  global climate crisis.  genocides. list goes on.

even still.

i hope.  i continue dreamin of better worlds.  i still believe in collective action.  cynicism is bein complicit w/ the system.  so it’s important to find reasons to celebrate.  there’s always reasons to celebrate as long as you’re alive.  this poetry is secondary at this point.  gots to put in work first.  and it’s gonna take more than a new regime to change shit but hey it’s sumthin.  like every other person, i don’t got my shit together.  i have visions of how it could be.  and i’ve seen beauty in many others to let the ugliness of a few get to me.  it’s important that i always remember the past.  remember to laugh.  make every word count like it’s my last.  and mos def keep dancin.  it’s all a struggle but it’s all part of the process.  i do know this: i wanna love others the way my parents love me.  unconditionally.

until i get my words/thoughts together into a neat artist statement i just wanna echo Sonia Sanchez one mo time:

“one of my missions as a writer/educator has been to eradicate/erase the aura of the educated class while cherishing the creative power of learning…one of my missions has been to celebrate the red black gums, corn cob smoking, nodding, staring people who were never considered poetic but we gave them life, form, and beauty”

we’re all in this together.

robot love

when i first saw the teaser for “WALL-E”, i didn’t care for it.  a lonely robot, seriously?  that sounds lame.

it’s easily one of my fav movies now.

the feel good movie of the year.  i love how it works well on so many levels and every emotion the movie tried to evoke clicked even with barely any dialogue.  it’s an indictment of consumerist/capitalist society’s impacts on the world.  at its core, it’s a simple love story.  the premise is the title character is the most human character in the story.

after 700 yrs, there’s a glitch in his system and he exhibits human qualities. he does the same task over and over every day.  but yearn for something more meaningful.  what can be more meaningful in the human experience than learning to love?  well, you gotta find someone to live first.  it explains his relentless pursuit in making a romantic connection with the first robot he’s ever seen.  and on the course of his journey of exercising his capacity to love, he redeems mankind.

and it’s a stark reminder that the American way of life is NOT sustainable.

minor gripe: so where all the people of color at?  did we get left behind?  hey, i gotta ask even though it’s expected that poc aren’t represented in animated movies cuz it’s made by mostly white people who have very little interaction with poc.  a broad generalization, yes.  it holds truth though.

land of the free, eh?

Killer Mike – Pressure Feat Ice Cube

“our role is simple: comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable!”
-Martin Luther King Jr.